Numerous health code violations?

At least they are "cautioning" people about it.

Buyer beware though.

He's not really tragically flawed enough to be interesting

Maybe if he pulled out a cigar in a private meeting with an intern.

Or referred to himslf as "The Decider".

This guy don't do that!

Nothing you can hold us to

Being a parent really gets in the way of drinking!

It is too hard!

Need a ride to hockey practice? Sure, let me take this drink along.

Need help with homework? No problem. Let me get a coaster.

Parent/teacher conferences tonight? Breath mints are a life-saver.

It doesn't work!

I am just going to wait until they are in college.

(pause)

Oh shoot! We had them late!

I will be too old!

Oh well.

Hey where did all this cash come from?

Not very proactive

More antiseptic than anything.

Hey, give me a break!

I had pestilence as a child!

I wonder why "Detroit" and "destroyed" sound so much alike

Astronomers say that based on the location of the star that guided the Wise Men that Jesus was born in June

So that makes him a Gemini.

This probably explains that freak-out thing at the Temple.

Facebook postings from the past

Those time travellers left this behind. We don't have language yet but if I hit random keys maybe it can say something. Night is dark. Meat is cold. Can't wait for fire.

Fox News announces the premier of the Rey Decerega Show!

Google him.

Now that I am looking at our Thankgiving photos....

....I see that my brothers were wearing their Erik and Lyle Melendez sweaters.

I knew was really nervous for some reason!

Remember when Galileo was incarcerated for proving that the Earth revolved around the Sun?

Unhappy Science!

So you think onions are the ony vegetable that can make you cry?

Ever been hit in the head with a pumpkin?

Never lived in Detroit then.

Don't ever steal toilet paper from your friend's house

It's not worth it!

So Sarah Palin says we must support our North Korean ally

Hey, give her a break!

She is a specialist on Russia, after all. She can even see Russia out her window when she is washing dishes, remember?

She cannot however see either of the Koreas without the assistance of a satellite and that might be problematic.

Ok, probably just an innocent mistake but I do think she should get enhanced patdown from TSA when she flies for now.

Can't be too careful you know.

Ok, why again is Kwanzaa not a legitimate holiday?

Because it is too "new"?

What do have against 1966?

By that logic, the Zoroastrianism holidays are the only legitimate holidays!

Ever shop at Home Depot?

1978!

Now if you said it is spelled funny and that creeps you out, I could understand.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

(pause)

Oh yeah! That's right!

Pilgrims........and Indians.......and ummm eating together at picnic tables and stuff.

Never mind!

(Hey, the historical basis of many holidays are obscured. Look, I just spent many hours visiting with relatives today and nobody talked about pilgrims once; and we did pray to Jesus before dinner. Give me a break!)

My kind of business!

Very little overhead!

A butter knife and you are ready to go!

MBAs are overrated, you know.

So Sarah Palin says she took journalism classes and can fix the media

By that logic, I can fix medieval history and pre-Socratic philosophy.

Maybe I can finally apply this stuff!

In my workout room....

....I have a punching bag with the words, "Are you ready for the Holidays?" on it.

I am now!

You think you have it bad!

I just saw a guy lick another guy's finger!

No, I don't know the context; but there can't be an acceptable one.

Gonna lock my door.

Anybody want to come to Thanksgiving dinner with me?

Need a buffer.

North Korea attacked South Korea?

Apparently just for the heck of it?!

WHAT KIND OF FREAKING SENSE DOES THIS MAKE?

Shouldn't they be teaming up to attack.....I don't know.....Kazakhstan or something?

It could be the "Decade of Korea" if they would just cooperate!

Thank you peers!

Still doing drugs and alcohol after all these years.

You owe me big time!

I am not profound

More confound than anything.

Don't need no big advertising budget

This one is working just fine.

American Masters

I came across this show tonight on PBS.

The subject was John Lennon.

I like (well liked) John Lennon but ummmm........undisputably not American.

Lee Greenwood?

MEGA-pissed!

You only ever hear men say....

...."We're pregnant!"

Women don't say that.

I think women are more likely to say, "'We'! My ass! Go watch the game, will ya."

Do they provide a vat of dipping sauce with it?

Remember all that time spent rewinding those things?!

Class Action lawsuit anyone?

How do you tell someone you like them....

....and not just as a cab driver?

Facebook postings from the past

The "behind closed doors" stuff here is WAY freakier than the "out in the open" stuff in the jungle. I don't know about this "civilization" thing.

Maybe I should form a band

I can't really play an instrument other than the bongos and I can't sing but I think I could handle that between-songs banter pretty well.

I think I would always start with the good old standby "How are you f****n doing?" and then I would work up to more complex stuff.

Not hard.

The Ed McMahon of Christmas displays

This Parker Spitzer show sets a new standard for "dull"

CNN made Campbell Brown quit for this?!

I am going to have to break out the smelling salts.

They should have a continuous loop of TSA agents groping people in the background or something.

Something!

If a bicyclist got hit by a car on a busy street, wouldn't you think he deserved it?

Thank you very much!

And if the driver was not at fault, why stop?

Found an autograph

Quite illegible. Unknown who it is.

Will put it up on ebay though.

Let others do the work.

Vacation now paid for.

So lucky today.

I only lost three "friends" on Facebook Unfriend Day

I am not as noxious as I thought!

100% retention rate for family members!

Being bulletproof would be great....

....but I think I would rather be knifeproof.

I mean who wants to be knifed?

He can stalk all he wants. I would walk right up to him and kick him in the groin and tell him to get out.

But I can't. Cause I am not knifeproof.

Forget any kind of voyage to Mars!

We can't even cancel elevator buttons!

I used to have severe social anxiety

Hijacking that plane really helped though.

Wouldn't it be cool if it had a hidden swastika on it?

They say he has a real sense of humor!

Sometimes tourists just need to get off the beaten path....

....and see the real country.

I don't care how bad the service is

If the waitress draws a heart on my bill?

20%.

If Donald Driver went by "Don Driver"....

....he would probably be much more sexy and mysterious.

Maybe after he retires from football.

You can probably make a pretty good judgement on our news organizations....

....by how seriously they cover this Royal Wedding.

I am guessing "fail" all the way around.

They don't go to Heaven of course but....

....those pagans sure make up for it in this life!

Ummm......Northwestern football!

I know you want to play a game at Wrigley Field and all but this doesn't look remotely "safe".

Sometimes you just need somebody WAY up the food chain to say "No".

That's why they get paid the "big bucks".